Somebody stick a fork in me……..

Because I, am about done. (Literally, and figuratively.)

Attending: “Hey look, it’s the FYBIGMI* Twins!”

~ Standard am greeting on last rotation.

I just finished my latest rotation, and I don’t even know where to begin with everything that was wrong with the last two weeks. For now, I will say that I walked to my car tonight all sweaty and raggedy after a Grand Finale of 15 hours of basically being kidnapped and held against my will alternately in a hospital that makes Mayberry General look like a regular tertiary care center, a redneck bar where I nervously sipped Diet Coke and counted the patron’s teeth to distract myself from the soulless gazes of the multitude of taxidermied trophies covering every visible inch of wall space (approximately four teeth per redneck, that I could see anyway, and obviously, there was a reason it was called ‘The Dead Animal Bar’) in BFE, Middlestates, and the back of an SUV driven by The Craziest Attending Ever (who’s wild-eyed intent to further explore and map the unmarked back roads of Middle America puts Lewis and Clark to shame) clinging to the Oh Sh*t bar for dear life.

I just got home and cleaned out my pockets to find sixteen band-aids, a crumpled pack of gum, a free drink voucher for the local strip club (left for the med student I was rotating with and I by a patient last week, not even kidding), a cat-chewed Tarascon guide to Orthopedics with the fancy new acronym I picked up this week* scribbled on the cover, and the list of 500 (or so) patient encounters I have to enter before I get a grade (with the running list I’ve been keeping of Things NOT To Do When I Am Actually A Doctor on the back).

#1: Do NOT kidnap med students and take them to redneck bars.

I can’t say I didn’t learn anything. I definitely learned many (many) things I should NOT do as doctor, lessons which can be just as valuable as those learned from normal attendings on normal rotations, which I fully intend to share as soon as I am done working all weekend as a nurse and have 15 minutes to catch my breath.

But first, it is my only weekend night off for the foreseeable future, and tonight I am going to put on makeup, my favorite indie-band-that-one-knows t-shirt, and my red Chuck Taylors. And then I am going to go to a normal bar (you know, one without dead animals) to be with (relatively) normal people, to talk about (relatively) normal (hopefully non-medical) things, and just, be normal (Okay, as normal as I can be. For me. Or whatever).

Four weeks left. Just four weeks. I can do this…….

*FYBIGMI: F*ck you buddy, I got my internship.