Tired.

I am tired. Of a lot of things.

First of all, I’m physically tired because I’m on the night shift stretch from H*ll. I’d signed up knowingly for four shifts in a row because it’s my last chance to make any money before I start orientation for residency in mid-June. Where I won’t get my first pay check until mid-July. Thanks residency. Thanks a lot.

But, I got completely conned into tacking another night shift onto that stretch because I was promised that someone would take one of the others. I, am such an idiot. Because #1: If you don’t want to work, just don’t call back. And #2: No one is actually going to man up, do you a solid (despite the, probably hundreds at this point, of shifts you have picked up for everyone else) and work the promised shift. No one. Including the grievously injured party you worked for, because they are currently much too busy yard-saleing it up. Gee, hope they don’t buy anything too heavy and throw that back outagain (like they allegedly, most horrifically, did less than 48 hours ago).

That’s right. I am on to you. Faker.

So I am stuck working five 12-14 hour nights in a row, in a place that has transformed from a sleepy rural hospital into a bonafide trauma center/nursing home. Except, you know, without the staff or equipment. Instead, I get to work with just one other (brand spankin’ new) RN. Who’s favorite saying is “I’ve never done that before.” (Read: I don’t have to do that. Or, really, anything except sit here and not help you. Guess again cupcake.)  Gotta love rural medicine. When it rains, it effing pours.

Now I know I said I’d come in, and that I totally did this to myself. Because morally (?) I could not pass up the chance at making more money, even if kills me. I say morally (?) because I just paid first and last month’s rent on the new apartment, and have approximately $63.00 to my name until I get paid in mid-July, and lots of bills that goldarnit are just not going to wait until then. I am currently living on my credit card, the balance of which is hovering dangerously near my $20,000 limit. So morally (?), I had to go to work.

I am tired of living like this, working my butt off with no money to show for it for the last four years. I took out all the loans I could during med school, picked up every extra nursing shift I could, and I am still barely going to make it. (Hopefully.) I would feel worse about the credit card balance except I sat down and calculated how much money I’ve been living on for the last four years, which, after you subtract med school tuition and all med school-related expenses from the loans, and add the extra nursing shifts, is roughly $10,000 per year.

And trust me, I am not out spending it up either. Case in point, it was a better deal to sell most of my crappy belongings (for an embarrassingly low return) rather than move them. From the not-much-better-than-a-shack (aka The Shack) I’d been living in. I just do not understand how everyone else does it. How do they not work during med school and still live in decent houses, wear designer clothes (with matching designer bags), and take fabulous vacations every year?? What in h*ll am I missing here??

I am tired of everyone telling me how much money I’m going to make some day. How I will not only be solvent, but actually be rolling in piles of money just for fun, ala Indecent Proposal. Yeah, I’ll believe it when it happens. Until then, all this future, magical, hypothetical, massive amounts of wealth is not, and has not done me a dang bit of good in the last four years. All that fantastical future money is not helping at all (oddly enough) to keep a roof over my head, or my car from being repossessed in the here and now.

And I also seriously doubt I am going to accumulate anything or stop feeling like the financial sky is falling until that future fortune pays off the roughly $250,000 I’ve amassed in debt, almost exclusively in pursuit of higher education.

I am tired of the system that lets stuff like this happen. I recently met a resident who went to medical school in Germany and stopped telling people medical school is free there because they get so incensed that this person isn’t also crippled by student loans. People really need to learn to be p*ssed at the true culprit in these situations. Don’t blame the messenger from other places, blame the system that allows this to happen. The same system that forces many people who become ill to lose everything when they have to pay their medical bills. I have seen this happen. I’m sure pretty much anyone here as has these days.

I know there is a world full of people out there who are way (way) worse off than me, and a big part of my problem is managing money when I don’t have a lot (or any). Even though I was almost debt-free and did just fine when I was making a modest wage working full-time as a nurse. So it can’t all be me. I know that things will probably work out and I will be fine. I’ve always managed to find a way before as my dad says most encouragingly, but again, massively unhelpfully.

So I am tired. Tired of working my butt off with nothing but a few new initials behind my name and an Everest of debt to show for it. Tired of living in fear that I’m not going to be able to pay my bills, have a place to live, and food to eat. So, now I’m going to bed because I have three more shifts, and hopefully, I will scrape by for just one more month.

I just needed to vent before I did it. Apologies, and wish me luck!

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