“Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”
~ Albert Einstein
I think of this quote a lot.
Which, probably sounds kind of bad. So, let me (try to) explain – I think of it when I’m frustrated or not getting results that I want, which happens a lot. Hence, the quote, popping up like a warning light on my mental dashboard (except that I actually have some idea as to what this particular symbol means, versus the scary, flashy, light bulb-y looking thing I have been trying to ignore for the past two days on my automobile’s dashboard).
In this particular instance of frustration, I have been trying unsuccessfully to write and actually publish a post for weeks now. And when I thought of the quote today, I realized that it is time to change tactics. (This realization being accompanied by the always comforting secondary realization that I am probably not technically insane yet. At least, not according to Einstein.)
So here’s my New Tactic: Instead of setting out to write and publish some fantastical, deeply meaningful, thoroughly comprehensive Masterpiece Of A Post that covers and compensates for the months of absolutely nothing (that will apparently never, ever happen), I will just try to write a Daily Something.
I know, and now you’re like ‘Um yeah. A Daily ‘Something’ sure sounds like a thing I would like spend 3 minutes of my precious, fleeting life reading. Or not.’ But hold on now, I do solemnly promise that I will I only distill it down to the most interesting, entertaining, funny, important, etc. of Something’s. Because I do believe my life is full of them, if I’d only get around to sharing. And certainly Something will be better than nothing.
Onto the first [Of Many!! She confidently (mentally) exclaimed.] Daily Something………
As I left work today I realized something. (Yes. Yes I do just walk around all day realizing stuff. Tyvm.) Lately, I have been feeling like crap. As in, What in the h*ll am I doing here, stressing myself to death in residency when life is too short to feel like crap all the time? I want to go home and be a dog groomer. Or anything but a resident. I wish I had never gone back to medical school and/or could go back in time and Ninja chop myself as I’m about to submit that d*mn application. (I recently stumbled on an article in a respected medical journal from 2008 that said something like 40% of medical residents regret going to medical school, which makes me feel, if not better about, then slightly less alone in that last bit.)
I mean, for pete’s sake, I think I actually have an ulcer. That, admittedly, may be due to my habits of drinking coffee and Diet Coke like water (instead of actual water, which I never, ever drink), and several glasses of red wine per week. But I’m mostly blaming work-related stress, because that, and just the thought of Work, is mostly what wakes up and seriously p*sses off the angry badger that has been clawing at my epigastric area for the last five days. At least that’s my story until I get to see a doctor in about a (friggin’) week. (Because same day appointments apparently do not exist in this place filled with 50 gazillion doctors, if you are a resident, and you refuse to use the ER – i.e. Pit of Doom – unless you are half-dead. Oh. The irony.)
I am also on Gyn Onc right now. The rotation I have been dreading all year, because it is Oncology and I already feel bad for all the poor cancer patients, and it is by all accounts a work hours wrecking, intern scut horror show. And stuff like this little gem I just found in my pocket reference:
Do not help in my attempts to approach the rotation in a rational, non-panicked manner. Very funny Dennis Siegler. Very. Funny.
Luckily, they are starting me out slowly on out-patient, but the badger was still angry and clawing away when I walked in today. Armed with a bottle of Tums and coffee cup (sadly) full of milk, I went anyway.
And then time went by very quickly. I saw several very nice patients, worked with a couple completely reasonable attendings and several very sassy nurses, and the day was over.
I left, and as I walked away, I realized the badger was quiet. My stomach didn’t hurt, and I was thinking about the nice patients I saw, talking with them, helping them, and I was….happy????
It’s maybe the hundredth? thousandth? time I’ve had that realization. Here’s to hoping for a hundred, thousand times more. At least enough to get me through the next three years.
And, here’s a picture. Because along with the Something’s, I’ve been saving those up too.