The Daily Something: Really?

Literally, just had the WORST day of residency so far. Even worse than that first Hellacious call shift on L&D nine months ago (that I will never, ever forget, that still inspires a healthy bout of nausea every time I think about it, which should give you some idea of how bad today was).

And, at the end of the day, after 15 hours of pure terror, humiliation, helplessness, and several bouts of bathroom crying, I saw they emailed me my annual contract renewal to be signed today.

Really?

It took me the last two hours just to talk myself into go back to work tomorrow, I hope they don’t expect that thing to be returned any time soon.

The Daily Something: Nope.

So, I was really hoping that the in-patient Gyn Onc rotation would be one of those things that I build up in my mind to be so horrendous, that then turns out to be not so bad.

Nope.

A few things come to mind:

#1 – Why in the name of all things rational, would a person keep doing a job where they work so hard, for such long hours, for not great pay, where they are mostly treated like crap?

#2 – I never want to be the a-hole who treats my co-residents, med students, nurses, or anyone else I work with (including patients) like crap. Including dumping work on them, not helping them when I can, humiliating them in front of others, or just plain being mean to them. Especially if they are really, obviously trying. Even when I am completely overwhelmed myself.

#3 – I hope I make it to be the person who gets to be the nice, non-a-hole Chief that people like to work with, and that if I do I am so good that I never get completely overwhelmed no matter what is thrown at me (literally and/or figuratively) ever again.

#4 – Gyn Onc is rapidly ruling itself right out as sub-specialty choice, on a very short list of sub-specialty choices. 😦

#5 – For the millionth time, I am ridiculously grateful for my classmates, who are the best classmates I could have ever hoped to have in a million years, who make me feel like I’m not alone in thinking these things, and just plain not alone.

#6 – And I am grateful for these shoes:

AwesomeSuperPinkPowerShoes

Which I splurged on just for this rotation (in my defense, I had coveted them months ago and was pretty much obligated to buy them when I found them miraculously on clearance and in my size). Because they are super comfortable, they make me feel a little more awesome and little less awful, and remind me that I am human being who dares/loves to spice up a straight month of boring, drone OR scrubs with the craziest, brightest shoes I can possibly find, every time I look at them as I am sprinting around the hospital.

Take that Rotation From Hell.

Take that.

The Daily Something: Thursday Thug Life.

Sometimes I hear a song and it’s so good, everything else stops while I listen, and I think, Where has this band been all my life??? And then I remember where I’ve been for most of my life, namely buried in the cultural deprivation tank that is deep, rural Middle America. Mostly sans the Intranet.

Looking on the bright side, which helps me feel (slightly) less lame, now that I’ve escaped to a place so ridiculously, comparatively rich in cultural, ethnic, and artistic diversity, I get to make up for all the lost time and be pretty consistently amazed with all the enthusiasm of a severely underprivileged person flipping a light switch, or eating fast food for the first time.

Today it was this song, thanks to awesome local college radio station #4. (That’s right, four local college radio stations. They play it all – Indie, Alt, Rock, Rap, Reggae, Retro, Soul, etc. Versus the four radio stations total where I came from. That all play Country, often the same song at the same time, more often than you would think is possible. Not that I have anything against Country, being a huge fan of Lucinda, Loretta, Patsy, Cross Canadian, Hank (specifically I & III), George (specifically Jones and old-school Strait), Merle, Willy, the Truckers, etc. Not they ever they played them.)

Anyway, the song. (And, Yes, I listened to the lyrics. Hayseed that I am, I like it. I like it a lot.)

The Daily Something: I Give Up.

A) Feeling rather foolish about the 5 – 10 minutes I spent (wasted) sorting through bargain cat toys at Wal-Mart last weekend, trying to find one Herself might actually deign to play with.

B) Absurdly glad that in the end, I did not end up shelling out the (whopping) 97 cents for the pink, fuzzy mouse.

Because,

C) This thing has been rocking her world for the last 3 days since I missed when chucking it in the garbage……..

The Daily Something: Bustin’ Out All Over.

Since a picture is worth a thousand words, I took a vote (Amongst myself. It was unanimous.) and decided that these should be worth at least few skipped Daily Somethings.

🙂

P.S. Hello Spring!! I have been waiting (impatiently) for you!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Daily Something: Fraggle Friday.

Do it, anyway.

The Daily Something: Random Acts of Chocolate.

I was standing in the hall in clinic today, hanging out with the nurses, waiting for our first patient of the afternoon to arrive. Now, naturally, I am partial to nurses everywhere, but I am especially fond of the ladies that work on our out-patient and in-patient GYN floors at the Mother Ship. There is just something about them, a certain unique blend of smarts, sass and heart that I find irresistibly endearing.

And, there is one that always has candy. This is something that a person who works up to 16 hours a day and may or (often) may not have had the time and/or money to eat something, quickly picks up on. Even better, she’s always willing to hook a poor, starving resident up and share it. I think I only had to ask her once, hunger completely obliterating any inhibitory shame or shyness, like a panhandler lurking in a doorway ‘Pssst, Hey, got any candy? Can I have some? Please?’ Followed by my best Puss In Boots impression….

Don’t judge. I really wanted some candy.

Now she usually just slips some candy into the pocket of my white coat every time I see her. (See what I mean? These gals, are special.), but today when I saw her she was eating her very last mini-Reeses. I had actually just eaten the lunch I packed for the day (Shocking, I know, except it was two PB&J sandwiches and cake donut with sprinkles I pilfered from the staff appreciation breakfast this morning. No actual cooking involved. Whew.), and I really didn’t *need* any candy, but she ran off to get me some anyway.

As I was explaining to the other nurses why she had run off like that, I watched a patient who was being checked in for another service approach in my peripheral vision. She appeared to be a slightly stressed out mom-type lady intent on the rooming process and oblivious to our conversation, but all the sudden she stopped in front of me, rummaged around in her bag, and handed me this…….

It was the most random, odd, and sweetest (literally) thing. I thanked her profusely. Partially for the candy, mostly for completely making my day.

The Daily Something: Working With Med Students

I love working with med students.

I remember very well what it is like to be a med student, and I cringe at all the horror stories I hear about how residents treat med students badly. Especially on L&D rotations. That is total crap. Med school is hard enough without someone taking out their frustrations and residency-related rage on some poor med student who is trying to learn, who we have a responsibility to teach, so they can go out and be a competent resident themselves soon. And hopefully not scare them out of a career choice just because we were an A-hole to them.

But I don’t love working with them because it’s my responsibility to. I actually enjoy the responsibility of teaching, of watching their knowledge expand before my very eyes, their brains soaking it all up like hungry, impressionable sponges. I love that they love that I make at least half an effort to teach, and include them as much as I can, if my evals from this year are any indication anyway. (They were awesome, literally, the biggest self-esteem boost I’ve had in my medical career to date, reversing at least some of the damage Intern Year has wreaked. Forget the diplomas, I may have those evals framed.) And fine, I love working with them because, frankly, I love having a buddy to hang out with in the trenches (so to speak). When we’re working all buddy-cop style, and I’m rambling on about how great OB/GYN is, I remember myself, and when I’m trying to make it fun for them, it always ends up being more fun for me too.

And also, of course, every time I work with them on L&D call it is invariably A Night Of Firsts. With the last med student, it was The First C-Section. I had them scrub in as third assist (this being The First for them, and all). It was a challenging repeat, the baby was (for lack of a better term) a Big Fella, and I got to be primary. So, I was too busy during the actual surgery to pay much attention to how the med student was faring (aside from the fact that they were right there with suture scissors and bladder blade at appropriate intervals, and didn’t appear to be faltering or swaying in any I’m-totally-going-to-pass-out-right-now sort of way).

Afterwards, when we left the OR to put in the post-op orders, I finally remembered my buddy and asked, “Oh yeah! Hey, So what did you think of your first C-section?!” To which my (completely reserved and apparently introverted up to this point) med student compadre replied, “What. Just. HAPPENED in there???!! OH MY GOD!!! There was just…like…stuff….coming out everywhere!!! And then, there was…like…a BABY!!! And it came out…and it was all, like……….”

(Best reenactment I could find of what med student compadre did at this point.)

I stopped, watching this graphic reenactment, and then I laughed. Really, really hard. For awhile.

I have done, or scrubbed on so many sections at this point, I forget what it what must look like to people who haven’t. There is a reason why it’s is my favorite surgery. Triple-bypass-multiple-transplant-sterotactic-robotic-Whipple’s got nothin’ on us. I mean, I’m always highly aware of this, but med students are Awesome for (graphically) reminding me of it.

I love working with med students.

The Definition of Insanity, Or, The Daily Something…..

“Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”

~ Albert Einstein

I think of this quote a lot.

Which, probably sounds kind of bad. So, let me (try to) explain – I think of it when I’m frustrated or not getting results that I want, which happens a lot. Hence, the quote, popping up like a warning light on my mental dashboard (except that I actually have some idea as to what this particular symbol means, versus the scary, flashy, light bulb-y looking thing I have been trying to ignore for the past two days on my automobile’s dashboard).

In this particular instance of frustration, I have been trying unsuccessfully to write and actually publish a post for weeks now. And when I thought of the quote today, I realized that it is time to change tactics. (This realization being accompanied by the always comforting secondary realization that I am probably not technically insane yet. At least, not according to Einstein.)

So here’s my New Tactic: Instead of setting out to write and publish some fantastical, deeply meaningful, thoroughly comprehensive Masterpiece Of A Post that covers and compensates for the months of absolutely nothing (that will apparently never, ever happen), I will just try to write a Daily Something.

I know, and now you’re like ‘Um yeah. A Daily ‘Something’ sure sounds like a thing I would like spend 3 minutes of my precious, fleeting life reading. Or not.’ But hold on now, I do solemnly promise that I will I only distill it down to the most interesting, entertaining, funny, important, etc. of Something’s. Because I do believe my life is full of them, if I’d only get around to sharing. And certainly Something will be better than nothing.

Onto the first [Of Many!! She confidently (mentally) exclaimed.] Daily Something………

As I left work today I realized something. (Yes. Yes I do just walk around all day realizing stuff. Tyvm.) Lately, I have been feeling like crap. As in, What in the h*ll am I doing here, stressing myself to death in residency when life is too short to feel like crap all the time? I want to go home and be a dog groomer. Or anything but a resident. I wish I had never gone back to medical school and/or could go back in time and Ninja chop myself as I’m about to submit that d*mn application. (I recently stumbled on an article in a respected medical journal from 2008 that said something like 40% of medical residents regret going to medical school, which makes me feel, if not better about, then slightly less alone in that last bit.)

I mean, for pete’s sake, I think I actually have an ulcer. That, admittedly, may be due to my habits of drinking coffee and Diet Coke like water (instead of actual water, which I never, ever drink), and several glasses of red wine per week. But I’m mostly blaming work-related stress, because that, and just the thought of Work, is mostly what wakes up and seriously p*sses off the angry badger that has been clawing at my epigastric area for the last five days. At least that’s my story until I get to see a doctor in about a (friggin’) week. (Because same day appointments apparently do not exist in this place filled with 50 gazillion doctors, if you are a resident, and you refuse to use the ER – i.e. Pit of Doom – unless you are half-dead. Oh. The irony.)

I am also on Gyn Onc right now. The rotation I have been dreading all year, because it is Oncology and I already feel bad for all the poor cancer patients, and it is by all accounts a work hours wrecking, intern scut horror show. And stuff like this little gem I just found in my pocket reference:

Do not help in my attempts to approach the rotation in a rational, non-panicked manner. Very funny Dennis Siegler. Very. Funny.

Luckily, they are starting me out slowly on out-patient, but the badger was still angry and clawing away when I walked in today. Armed with a bottle of Tums and coffee cup (sadly) full of milk, I went anyway.

And then time went by very quickly. I saw several very nice patients, worked with a couple completely reasonable attendings and several very sassy nurses, and the day was over.

I left, and as I walked away, I realized the badger was quiet. My stomach didn’t hurt, and I was thinking about the nice patients I saw, talking with them, helping them, and I was….happy????

It’s maybe the hundredth? thousandth? time I’ve had that realization. Here’s to hoping for a hundred, thousand times more. At least enough to get me through the next three years.

******************************************

And, here’s a picture. Because along with the Something’s, I’ve been saving those up too.

🙂

Easter Cookie. Yumsies.

Improvising and Inspiring

I am currently in the middle of an ungodly long stretch of work days. I made the call schedule this year and one of the interns ended up with more weekends on than anyone else, and being the one who made the schedule, if anyone was going to end up with a disproportionate number of weekends, it was going to be me. Hence the current ungodly-long stretch.

Its fine actually. It means I get more time on L&D, and I knew it was coming, so I took a vacation day today, right in the middle of it, so I wouldn’t be triggering any GME investigations. Unfortunately, after my last crazy-busy week, most of my Big Day Off today consisted of me laying in bed until 5 pm eating, spooning with my cat, and finishing Gone Girl.

This kind of day off might be perfectly acceptable, warranted (and probably healthy) for most people, but I hate it. There is SO much I could be doing. Of course there is the residency-related stuff like the 10 Tons of Reading I Should Be Doing In Any Spare Second and learning an entire second language before June and getting cracking on The Research Projects, and then there is blogging and taking pictures – the two main pursuits I want to be pursuing when I’m not buried in residency-related stuff.

By the time I managed to make myself crawl out of bed, it was dark outside and I could hear the wind howling. Crap. The opposite of ideal conditions for any kind of easy, outdoor photo expeditions. And any easy, indoor expeditions I could think of require money. And enough ambition to shower, dress in something other than fuzzy, pajama-type clothing, and drive somewhere. Of which I currently have neither.

So I decided to improvise.

I recently downloaded Instagram. I really like it, because as I have mentioned previously, I see pictures everywhere, and 99% of the time I don’t have my camera with me. I usually like the quality of the pictures that I get with Instagram, and I really like the editing tools. Normally, with my real camera, I only use the editing available with the basic Windows Photo Gallery, so it’s fun to do something beyond that.

Hence, I decided to use my new toy combined with whatever I could find readily available in my apartment.

I started making note cards with some of my favorite quotes last summer when I moved away from home and one of my best friends was having a seriously difficult life situation. I couldn’t be there for her in person anymore, but I could send her love, inspiration, and (hopefully) hope in the form of these little, painstakingly written and decorated cards. I ended up making hundreds of them, and inspiring myself in the process. And at Christmas time, I sent them to all my nearest and dearest in their cards as gifts, which seemed to go over very well (of course they all know I’m basically destitute and working on the thought that counts principle at this point, there is a reason they are my nearest and dearest).

So today I decided to play with combining my new (free) toy with my two primary non-residency related pursuits. When I downloaded the pictures, honestly the results were not up to my usual pictures with a sort-of-fancy-camera standards, but here is what I got that I thought was good enough to post.

Let the inspiration begin!